


Like That Planet Off Star Trek

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Risa - Freeform, Star Trek: TNG, sex planet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-29
Updated: 2011-07-29
Packaged: 2017-10-21 21:57:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/230312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is no such thing as a sex planet, but if there was then this would be one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like That Planet Off Star Trek

"Here we are," said the Doctor as they stepped out of the TARDIS. "Stable climate, lovely beaches, friendly locals. Human colony, actually. Very relaxed attitude to sex."

Amy had got quite good at keeping up with the way the Doctor talked. "Pardon?"

"It's a human colony," he repeated. "Settled round about... some point in the past, I expect."

"No, no, I meant the thing about sex."

"Very relaxed attitude. Almost horizontal, in fact. Though some of them find that position a bit passe, I expect. Nothing consensual is illegal. I told you your lot would finally get over all that -"

"Is this a sex planet?" asked Rory, interrupting the flow. "Have you brought us to a sex planet?"

"Rory Pond -"

"Williams."

"Rory Pond, there is no such thing as a sex planet." The Doctor tried to look dignified. "But if there _was_ such a thing then this would probably be one of them, yes."

"Is it like that planet off Star Trek?" asked Amy.

"Risa," said Rory automatically. The other two looked at him. "Oh, come on," he said with a fair bit of indignation, "at least one of you knew the name, you just don't want to admit it. I refuse to be the sad one here. The Doctor definitely knew. He knows everything and... well, look at him."

"Have you got something against tweed?" asked the Doctor, a bit too calmly.

Amy put a hand on each of them. "Boys," she said, "don't start. It's cute when you bicker, but there are more important things to worry about than your homoerotic sexual tension." She turned to the Doctor. "Sex planet. You brought us to a sex planet."

He shrugged. "You're newlyweds. Married people have sex, at least to start with. You're ages away from the shouting and the nagging and your best friend shagging your wife because he wants you for himself and doesn't like when you pay attention to other people, and...." He stopped himself. "Forget I said any of that."

Amy smirked. "I assume we're supposed to thank you for being so thoughtful? And what, exactly, were you planning on doing while we were off being newlyweds?"

"Culture," said the Doctor, rather grandly. "There's museums, and galleries, and libraries, and -"

"You're going to have sex, aren't you?"

He shrugged. "If it happens, it happens. Look," he added defensively, "you two have been... getting jiggy with it all over the TARDIS. She knows exactly what you're doing and she and I have a connection, so -"

"Oh my God," said Rory, "You've been spying on us!"

"I have not been 'spying' on you! I'm just... aware of you're up to. Which makes me think of the obvious, and I'm not sexless, you know. Why does everyone think I'm sexless?"

"I don't think you're sexless," said Amy.

"Amy," said Rory, "do you remember that thing with the church and the rings and the till death us do part?"

"I'm only saying I don't think he's sexless, I'm allowed to do that."

"No arguing," said the Doctor. He took something small and plastic-looking from his pocket and handed it to Amy. "Local currency. Don't spend it all in one shop. And don't get pregnant. Either of you."

"What's this planet called, anyway?" asked Rory as they set off from the TARDIS.

"Funnily enough," said the Doctor, "they called it Risa."

 

The Doctor sat at a neon pink bar examining the drinks list. What humans could think of to do with alcohol had never ceased to amaze him.

"If I said you had a beautiful timeline, would you hold it against me?"

River Song sat on the barstool next to him and smiled.

The Doctor was starting to wonder if she'd microchipped him at some point. All of time and space and he kept running into her. It was a bit unlikely. "What are you doing here?"

She shrugged. "What does anyone do on a sex planet? _You_ being here is a bit more interesting. Casual sex isn't really your thing. Even getting you to agree to a threesome was -"

"No spoilers!"

"So why are you here? Are you cheating on me?"

"How could I be cheating on you? We're not in a relationship and even if we _were_ I somehow doubt it would be exclusive."

River swivelled her stool so she could look around the room. "Male or female?"

"What?"

"Which would you prefer? Or you could have one of each if you can't decide."

The Doctor turned in his seat. "Umm. That one," he said, pointing.

River rolled her eyes. "She's a lesbian."

"How could you possibly know that?" he demanded.

"I slept with her a few days ago."

He stared at River and stored that information away for later. "I'll just... see if anyone offers."

River nodded. "Or you could just do the decent thing and let me fuck you."

 

"Blimey," said the Doctor, trying to get his breath back. "You're really good at that."

"It's a talent," said River, modestly.

"It was amazing," he said.

"It wasn't bad for a first go."

The Doctor propped himself up on his elbows and stared at her. "What?"

"Sorry, would you rather I lied for the sake of your ego?"

"It was really good!" he insisted. "There were orgasms! Several of them!"

"And they were lovely, they really were. It's just that it gets better later - your later - when you know what I like without me having to tell you."

The Doctor fell back and stared up at the ceiling. Out-shagged by himself. It just wasn't fair. "How long would it take to learn?" he asked, casually.

"You're a quick learner," she said, considering. "Probably not that long."

"I don't have to meet up with the Ponds for a couple of days," he told her.

"You do owe me a dirty weekend," said River.

"I'm sure you're an excellent teacher," he said, appealing to vanity.

"I'm very strict."

He turned to look at her. "Is that a promise?"

 

Amy and Rory were already waiting when he arrived back at the TARDIS. They looked a bit tired. Probably shagged out, poor things. "Did you have a nice time?" he asked.

"It was awful," said Amy.

The Doctor looked at her husband.

"That's not what she meant," snapped Rory. "She was talking about the aliens."

"Aliens?"

"Big scary aliens," said Amy, "with wings and huge teeth. They ate people. Rory and I had to sort it out ourselves - we were bloody impressive, by the way - because _someone_ had vanished into thin air."

"Are you sure there were aliens?"

"They were everywhere, Doctor! You can't have just missed them!"

The Doctor stared at his companions. "I was busy," he said defensively.

"I'm sure you were," said Amy, rather bitterly.

"Is this a joke?" asked the Doctor. "I feel guilty and then you two have a good laugh about it behind my back?"

Amy rolled up her sleeve. There were claw marks on her arm.

"Oh."

She tugged her sleeve back down. "Don't worry about it. It all worked out in the end. We saved a planet and you got your end away."

"I was busy," he repeated, staring down at his own feet. He looked up again and tried for cheerful. "Off we go, then. Planets to explore, people to annoy."

"No kinky details?" asked Amy, a bit too hopefully.

"A gentleman never tells," said the Doctor as he unlocked the door.

"This isn't right," said Rory, miserably. "He got to have sex and we didn't. It's not supposed to be that way round."

They filed into the TARDIS, two frustrated humans and one very sated Time Lord. Then they were off, into time and space.

And there _was_ such a thing as a sex planet, but the TARDIS wasn't the sort to kiss and tell.


End file.
